In the newly decorated and reorganised home office, I hear a beep beep from one of the boxes. ‘Oh my god Dan, your watch is still beeping for some random alarm you set.’ And, in a blink, you are next to me, laughing too. ‘Hur-hur-hur, Can’t believe it, it’s how old? I think I gotContinue reading “Everything reminds me of you”
Tag Archives: parenting
Dreaming of you
The last couple of nights I’ve dreamed about Dan. They have not been pleasant dreams. In one, he was dead but had returned to life and then been murdered by a family friend and I found myself kneeling beside a shallow grave digging with bare hands through crumbly black earth, reaching a faded and tornContinue reading “Dreaming of you”
Middowed – A Taster: Part Two
Extract from Chapter 10, Dan’s timeline, ‘Four Goodness Sake’. Dan’s framily (friends that are family, plus some actual blood relations) was small, but sound. Dan made me draw pictures of this framily, which basically included all the people that were important to him. He had me and his dad, Nanny and Grandad, Auntie Liv, JayContinue reading “Middowed – A Taster: Part Two”
Telly time
I would not be suited to fame. Last week, as part of Organ Donation Week, I sat on a bench in Weston Park and talked to a reporter about Dan, while the camera captured it all. It was terrifying. My heart raced, my brain melted, I felt like I would faint. Yet forcing myself toContinue reading “Telly time”
Everyone’s turning 18
Jay turns 18 next week. Little Jay, who used to call me ‘Bebbie’. Dan’s first best friend. The two of them played, fell out, made up and played some more, on repeat throughout Dan’s life. In high school they’d disagree, argue loudly with each other. ‘Now come on, you two…’ a kind friend tried toContinue reading “Everyone’s turning 18”
Organ Donation. It’s brilliant.
Dan and I had chatted over the years about organ donation. My fabulous friend Tracey needed a kidney. She had one failed transplant. Her health slowly declined and eventually she died. She was 38. My friend and colleague, Margaret, had a kidney transplant too. She was the most vigorously alive person I knew. She workedContinue reading “Organ Donation. It’s brilliant.”
Panic on the streets of Glossop
‘Just breathe, just breathe,’ I mutter, jagged huh-huh-huhs dragging back and forth. My footsteps clap in my ears, the soles of my shoes slapping the pavement of my hometown, walking fast along familiar streets. I have simply come into the town centre to drop off some bits at a charity shop, but it’s become aContinue reading “Panic on the streets of Glossop”
Middowed: The Basics
Middow is a coined term for a mother whose child has died. I came up with it because I couldn’t find another word that fitted. There is a Sanskrit term, vilomah, that means against the natural order of things. That definitely describes the general state of being but doesn’t quite signify a person. Middow isContinue reading “Middowed: The Basics”
Three Years
It’s sunny this morning in Sheffield. I can’t say for sure what it was like on May 27th 2018, as Dan was still on life-support at Sheffield Children’s Hospital and our lives were in a windowless limbo. It probably was sunny though. The weather held for what seemed like months, as if, like me, theContinue reading “Three Years”
Blackbird
The route I took with the dog this morning was busy. Maggie and I paused at the far side of the bridge, to let a family of five amble past. We waited a few moments longer, until they had rounded the bend and wandered from sight. Just as we too rounded the corner, an olderContinue reading “Blackbird”
Middowed 