In the newly decorated and reorganised home office, I hear a beep beep from one of the boxes. ‘Oh my god Dan, your watch is still beeping for some random alarm you set.’ And, in a blink, you are next to me, laughing too. ‘Hur-hur-hur, Can’t believe it, it’s how old? I think I gotContinue reading “Everything reminds me of you”
Tag Archives: loss
No More Nails
There are handmade boxes of drill bits; masonry, wood, metal. Small cardboard boxes of screws in varying lengths. Large toolboxes with pliers and spanners and hammers. The garage is a trove for the D-I-Y hobbyist. It’s now my job to sort it out and find new homes for all these items. Dad was always buildingContinue reading “No More Nails”
I Definitely Don’t Believe in God
I definitely don’t believe in God. Not the ‘earth created in seven days, Adam and Eve’ stuff that some people seem to be able to swallow whole, as fact. I don’t believe a singular being or even a group of deities made this planet and everything on it. I’m firmly on the side of scienceContinue reading “I Definitely Don’t Believe in God”
Dreaming of you
The last couple of nights I’ve dreamed about Dan. They have not been pleasant dreams. In one, he was dead but had returned to life and then been murdered by a family friend and I found myself kneeling beside a shallow grave digging with bare hands through crumbly black earth, reaching a faded and tornContinue reading “Dreaming of you”
Advent of Grief
Detached. Like a retina, or a singular house. That’s how I feel. Grief Awareness Week has just been and a search of the hashtag on Twitter throws up post after post about how to manage grief. I can’t read any of them. None of it makes sense. Grief isn’t managed, it’s experienced. Maybe that’s justContinue reading “Advent of Grief”
Everyone’s turning 18
Jay turns 18 next week. Little Jay, who used to call me ‘Bebbie’. Dan’s first best friend. The two of them played, fell out, made up and played some more, on repeat throughout Dan’s life. In high school they’d disagree, argue loudly with each other. ‘Now come on, you two…’ a kind friend tried toContinue reading “Everyone’s turning 18”
Panic on the streets of Glossop
‘Just breathe, just breathe,’ I mutter, jagged huh-huh-huhs dragging back and forth. My footsteps clap in my ears, the soles of my shoes slapping the pavement of my hometown, walking fast along familiar streets. I have simply come into the town centre to drop off some bits at a charity shop, but it’s become aContinue reading “Panic on the streets of Glossop”
The End of Therapy – Part Two
Of course not everything was perfectly resolved. As calm and relaxed as I felt at the end of my final counselling session, there was one big hurdle we’d not really had the opportunity to work through. When I’d started counselling it was because I needed to talk about Dan and, as I found each week,Continue reading “The End of Therapy – Part Two”
The End of Therapy – Part One
The counselling is over. ‘I think I’m ok now,’ I informed my therapist. ‘That’s good,’ she nodded, encouragingly. ‘What’s changed?’ That was a hard one. And I had no simple answer. Each week, our sessions had removed the emotional and mental lint I’d picked up over the previous seven days. I would log on forContinue reading “The End of Therapy – Part One”
Middowed: The Basics
Middow is a coined term for a mother whose child has died. I came up with it because I couldn’t find another word that fitted. There is a Sanskrit term, vilomah, that means against the natural order of things. That definitely describes the general state of being but doesn’t quite signify a person. Middow isContinue reading “Middowed: The Basics”
Middowed 