For the last three years I’ve been trying to get a photo of the right quality of Dan for the NHS Blood and Transplant Service to use on a memory board at Sheffield Children’s Hospital, in honour of Dan’s amazing gift of life through organ donation. The memory boards are large picture boards typically depictingContinue reading “A Photograph of You”
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Dreaming of you
The last couple of nights I’ve dreamed about Dan. They have not been pleasant dreams. In one, he was dead but had returned to life and then been murdered by a family friend and I found myself kneeling beside a shallow grave digging with bare hands through crumbly black earth, reaching a faded and tornContinue reading “Dreaming of you”
Be. Arsed.
New Year, new attitude. Last year was weird, for all of us, I know. Personally, I felt like I was burrowing further and further down into myself and drifting further and further from everyone I know. As if I’d wrapped my grief and sadness around me and then, cocooned, been caught on the breeze, andContinue reading “Be. Arsed.”
Muppets always make it better
It’s Christmas Eve. Which means I shall be watching The Muppet Christmas Carol. Reasons, two. One: It’s the best Christmas film ever. Two: Because it’s the best Christmas film ever, Dan and I watched it most Decembers, usually on Christmas Eve. Who can fail to be moved by Gonzo as Charles Dickens, ably assisted byContinue reading “Muppets always make it better”
Christmas is Coming
The only reason that Christmas, and for that matter, birthdays, are so loaded with emotion and so difficult to manage is because they don’t happen every day. If we lived with a year of Christmas days, the power would soon dissipate, and it’d become so ordinary that we wouldn’t cry every time we saw THATContinue reading “Christmas is Coming”
Maggie and Me
I have been back from Llanbedrog for over a month now. I miss the beach mostly. The static crackle of the surf pushing and pulling the shale on the shoreline. The suck and hiss, back and forth. The wind rushing along the coast and the crash and return of the waves fills my senses. IContinue reading “Maggie and Me”
Sunshine and Rainbows
My Twitter cover picture, for quite some time after Dan died, was the meme of a quote from Rocky: “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to yourContinue reading “Sunshine and Rainbows”
Advent of Grief
Detached. Like a retina, or a singular house. That’s how I feel. Grief Awareness Week has just been and a search of the hashtag on Twitter throws up post after post about how to manage grief. I can’t read any of them. None of it makes sense. Grief isn’t managed, it’s experienced. Maybe that’s justContinue reading “Advent of Grief”
50/50
50/50. Half-and-half. That’s me now. I’m here/not here. I have spent three and half years immersing myself in work and study, doing my best to stay positive and move determinedly forwards from what happened to Dan. I’ve examined the aftermath in journals, in stories, in counselling. But always moving onwards. Like Forest Gump running andContinue reading “50/50”
Telly time
I would not be suited to fame. Last week, as part of Organ Donation Week, I sat on a bench in Weston Park and talked to a reporter about Dan, while the camera captured it all. It was terrifying. My heart raced, my brain melted, I felt like I would faint. Yet forcing myself toContinue reading “Telly time”
Midowed 