loss – Midowed

Tides

I’ve been recording series 2 of the Bereaved Parents’ Club podcast. In the first episode, I chatted with another bereaved mum who also lost her child in 2018. We feel we’re at a similar ‘stage’ with our grief, being able to function healthily most of the time. We talked about ‘phase two’ of grief –Continue reading “Tides”

Bereaved Parents’ Club

This time last year I was getting ready to start the new job I so badly failed at. But, one of the brilliant things that came out of it was meeting Lauren. I’d already had the fortune to meet Tracy, another mum bereaved of her only son. Both of us would rather we’d never met,Continue reading “Bereaved Parents’ Club”

Everything reminds me of you

In the newly decorated and reorganised home office, I hear a beep beep from one of the boxes. ‘Oh my god Dan, your watch is still beeping for some random alarm you set.’ And, in a blink, you are next to me, laughing too. ‘Hur-hur-hur, Can’t believe it, it’s how old? I think I gotContinue reading “Everything reminds me of you”

No More Nails

There are handmade boxes of drill bits; masonry, wood, metal. Small cardboard boxes of screws in varying lengths. Large toolboxes with pliers and spanners and hammers. The garage is a trove for the D-I-Y hobbyist. It’s now my job to sort it out and find new homes for all these items. Dad was always buildingContinue reading “No More Nails”

I Definitely Don’t Believe in God

I definitely don’t believe in God. Not the ‘earth created in seven days, Adam and Eve’ stuff that some people seem to be able to swallow whole, as fact. I don’t believe a singular being or even a group of deities made this planet and everything on it. I’m firmly on the side of scienceContinue reading “I Definitely Don’t Believe in God”

Dreaming of you

The last couple of nights I’ve dreamed about Dan. They have not been pleasant dreams. In one, he was dead but had returned to life and then been murdered by a family friend and I found myself kneeling beside a shallow grave digging with bare hands through crumbly black earth, reaching a faded and tornContinue reading “Dreaming of you”

Advent of Grief

Detached. Like a retina, or a singular house. That’s how I feel. Grief Awareness Week has just been and a search of the hashtag on Twitter throws up post after post about how to manage grief. I can’t read any of them. None of it makes sense. Grief isn’t managed, it’s experienced. Maybe that’s justContinue reading “Advent of Grief”

Everyone’s turning 18

Jay turns 18 next week. Little Jay, who used to call me ‘Bebbie’. Dan’s first best friend. The two of them played, fell out, made up and played some more, on repeat throughout Dan’s life. In high school they’d disagree, argue loudly with each other. ‘Now come on, you two…’ a kind friend tried toContinue reading “Everyone’s turning 18”

Panic on the streets of Glossop

‘Just breathe, just breathe,’ I mutter, jagged huh-huh-huhs dragging back and forth. My footsteps clap in my ears, the soles of my shoes slapping the pavement of my hometown, walking fast along familiar streets. I have simply come into the town centre to drop off some bits at a charity shop, but it’s become aContinue reading “Panic on the streets of Glossop”

The End of Therapy – Part Two

Of course not everything was perfectly resolved. As calm and relaxed as I felt at the end of my final counselling session, there was one big hurdle we’d not really had the opportunity to work through. When I’d started counselling it was because I needed to talk about Dan and, as I found each week,Continue reading “The End of Therapy – Part Two”